On The Job
Kindness, Gratitude and Your Career
Is an attitude of goodwill a strength or a weakness in the workplace?
By Marty Nemko, Contributing Columnist, Kiplinger.com
December 11, 2008
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I know, I know, the holidays are a time we should be extra kind, burying our inner Scrooge in favor of peace and goodwill to all. And with the tough economy taking its toll in workplaces and households nationwide, that principle would seem to matter doubly this year.
Indeed, I told my editor that was going to be the theme of my December column whereupon she asked a provocative question: "Is showing kindness in the workplace seen as a strength or a weakness?"
In thinking back on what my clients have told me and on my own workplace interactions, it's a mixed bag. Kindness may certainly pay off in some situations by helping you build rapport with colleagues and higher-ups. For example, you might be appreciated for offering to help an overworked boss or coworker, or thought of as caring because you ask coworkers about what's doing in their lives. But kindness could also backfire. For instance:
If you're overly kind to someone who reports to you, he might be more likely to ask for a raise. Say no and he's likely to be disgruntled. Say yes and you've unnecessarily burned some of your budget without getting anything for it.
If you give holiday bonuses for the first time this year, after the obligatory thank you, your employees will expect at least that much next year.
If you offer a helping hand to a coworker, he might feel put down that you felt he couldn't do it himself. Or he may become overly reliant on your help, so you're often taking on extra work for which you get no credit, or even that might get him promoted ahead of you. Or you could get a reputation as a workaholic and soon, everyone's asking for your help.
If you're kind to your boss, she might reasonably assume you're satisfied with your job and so can feel safe in piling on more work, not giving you a raise or much face time. Conversely, when a supervisee, coworker or boss is unkind to me, that motivates me to try extra hard, if only to reduce their chances of hurting me. So, in being mean, they get more out of me.
So, "Be extra kind during the holidays?" Pragmatically, it's not so simple.
Being thankful
Gratitude is the other value on display during the holidays. Sure, being thankful you have a job, good health, etc., feels good. For example, if you're not going to leave your job, being grateful for its virtues helps you put the best face on the situation: "It pays terribly but I feel I'm doing some good, and after all, many people have it much worse."
But always looking on the bright side can generate a darker side: It can encourage complacency. For example, feeling grateful when you're asked to work ever harder without a raise merely encourages you to accept being treated poorly. Maybe it's wiser to replace the gratitude with outrage that will fuel you to find a better job.
Such advice is practical and yet...
Maybe I'm just filled with the holiday spirit but I'm wondering whether the holidays, especially this year, are the time to forgo pragmatism in favor of something higher. Couldn't we all use a little more kindness and humanity -- without caring what's in it for us?
What do you think?
Marty Nemko (bio) is a career coach and author of Cool Careers for Dummies.
Reader Comments (11)
Posted by: Sandy at 12/11/2008 11:21:16 AM
Kindness is NEVER out of place! If you're always thinking of ways to psychologically out-maneuver everyone by trying to figure out if it's going to benefit you, then you are one sad human being. Yes, the workplace is a professional setting - ethics, tough competition, hard work, etc. But a lack of kindness is one of the reasons our society is in the economic and ethically amoral shape it's in. Showing kindness to someone - no matter who it is or what the setting - will always elevate you above the crowd!
Posted by: s2kreno at 12/11/2008 12:31:54 PM
I love my job and my company and I'm not afraid to show it. And yes I do more when its called for. And yes i volunteer for more when its crunch time. And yes I got a generous bonus and raise. A job is like a marriage. it feels good to give a lot as long as its reciprocated. And if it isn't, give less or get a "divorce."
Posted by: Ray at 12/11/2008 04:25:21 PM
I have found early in my own career that it was only when I came off as an attack dog to others did I get promotions and bonuses. This is 100% against my nature and I struggled to learn how to do it. It took years. Years later after becoming a consultant, most all work I picked up was from clients who remembered the aggressive part of me and that is what they hired: someone to be aggressive in certain situation. That behavior paid off big time, though I absolutely abhor it. I'm a computer architect.
Posted by: Mary at 12/11/2008 04:56:31 PM
Gratitude is one of the most powerful emotions you can use to bring all-good into your life in absolute abundance. Yes, even in the workplace. I recommend that you watch "THE SECRET"
Posted by: Hilary at 12/11/2008 09:14:33 PM
We all need to realize that we're connected and in this thing together. Be a little kinder and show gratitude all the time, not just during the holidays. it will pay off in the ways that matter.
Posted by: Joanna at 12/11/2008 11:24:28 PM
I wish I could be motivated by the supervisors that treat me unkindly...but it's very difficult. I do not feel like working harder for people that treat me badly. Maybe I'm being stubborn, but I like to be treated with respect and consideration. Even when I make mistakes. When I disappoint the people I respect and like, THAT is when I am motivated to improve and care about my work performance or letting down "the team".
Posted by: Flourish at 12/12/2008 10:35:50 AM
Kindness and thanksgiving are two keys to abundance...Some of the most selfish people I know are unthankful during good times. And when times are not so good, they become even more unthankful. They seem to have no reserve of thankfulness to draw on during the tough times. Contrary to this, I have seen genuinely thankful people go through tough times and continue to be thankful.... I think it's called living from the inside out... selah!
Posted by: Jim at 01/22/2009 02:24:25 PM
For those doubting the power of gratitude, pick up Deborah Norville's book on the topic -- compelling evidence from some well done research that gratitude does indeed pay dividends! (and by golly, it makes you feel good too!)
Posted by: Joan at 02/12/2009 05:10:45 PM
Maybe unkind isn't the motivator, but perhaps instead subtle intimidation, or underlying frustration that if things are performed properly that would be bad, vs. accepted. Interesting thought. Thanks Markty Nemko for having the guts to even propose it.
Posted by: dds at 02/23/2009 06:48:55 PM
Funny article. Kindness and good deeds are done for their own sake- not for the result. The first is generosity, empathy, compassion. the second is Machiavellian. What goes around seldom comes around as I hear so often. the reason to do good and to be kind are in the doing, because it is right, helps someone- is making someone feel better- it makes us feel better. that is the reward plain and simple. no dollars. no promotion. no chess game.
Posted by: Gemma at 02/26/2009 10:56:44 AM
I think it's important to find a balance between pragmatism, self-respect, and giving. Planning for the future, in terms of both relationship building and financial security, is a smart move - and quite often this involves principles of hard work, kindness, and the good ol' fashioned Golden Rule. But I think the single-handed best way to approach these issues is by, first, centering yourself and second, following your intuition. Let your heart and conscience be your guide.