Is Money Messing Up Your Family's Life?

“Mr. Beaver, everyone has heard the saying ‘(the love of) money is the root of all evil.’ In our small business and at home, that statement is so true, as money is messing up our lives,” wrote “Bart” in his email. “My wife and I, as well as our three teenage sons, work in my father’s brake and muffler shops. Both my mom’s and dad’s families experienced the Great Depression of the 1930s. Dad is constantly worried about not having enough money and is frugal, bordering on miserly, despite being a millionaire.

“Mom — and my wife — are polar opposites of Dad with their overspending, showering the boys with things that make the ladies happy, while sending the wrong message to our sons. I do not want our kids to let money issues damage their lives, as I have seen it do to several of our friends, but no one listens to me when I point out how messed up we are. Is there some book that deals with these issues I can have everyone read?”

Bart’s question came in at the right time, as I had just finished reading a book that is so on point with his questions. Written by financial planner Elizabeth Husserl, The Power of Enough: Finding Joy in Your Relationship with Money is a valuable read, especially for families with kids in high school, college and just starting out in life.

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The 'DNA of scarcity' makes money the scapegoat

When I explained Bart’s situation to Husserl, she said, “Your reader is describing his father’s financial DNA of scarcity — of money, food or shelter — experienced by people who have gone through war, famine, persecution and financial collapse.”

This scarcity becomes a scapegoat for two reasons, according to Husserl:

Behavioral problems. Extreme frugality, to the point of being perceived as miserly, is a result of one’s financial DNA, as a parent’s attitude toward money and wealth is often passed along to following generations even when the reason for that fear of scarcity no longer exists.

“This mindset results in a form of mental hoarding, where wealth is trapped through excessive frugality, preventing us from experiencing the freedom and joy it offers,” she said. “Instead, there is an obsession with compound interest, saving and investing, just to accumulate, to see it on our spreadsheets. As in Bart’s family, some rebel and become spenders.

Damaged relationships. It’s common for children of overly stingy parents to rebel by spending excessively, as if there’s no tomorrow. Feeling unnecessarily deprived in childhood, they make money the scapegoat and often “shower their children” with gifts to compensate. However, this can unintentionally deprive their kids of learning how to fulfill their needs in meaningful, non-monetary ways.

“You can easily wind up raising an entitled, spoiled child who is headed to failure as an adult with money, spending and responsibility issues,” Husserl notes.

Business owners often fail to enjoy the money they’ve earned

One message that resounds in The Power of Enough applies specifically to business owners and many professionals, especially to members of my occupation, and that is failing to translate business wealth into personal wealth. Three words sum it up nicely: More is less.

“One of the saddest things financial advisers so often see are business owners unable to translate business wealth to personal wealth,” Husserl observes. “They are elated as the business is growing, growing, growing, yet they don't take capital off the table to enjoy today by investing in time with their family.

“So they get stuck, unable to walk away from their job for an appropriate interval, always on, forgetting or feeling guilty if they do pause, recalibrate and redistribute. It comes at the expense of not only enjoying their money in the present moment, but enjoying their time, and ‘Oh my gosh. What happened? Eighteen years passed, my kid graduated, and now I'm ready to retire. But they're out of the house. Are they only going to remember me as a super workaholic parent?’”

H. Dennis Beaver

After attending Loyola University School of Law, H. Dennis Beaver joined California's Kern County District Attorney's Office, where he established a Consumer Fraud section. He is in the general practice of law and writes a syndicated newspaper column. "I love law for the reason that I can help people resolve their problems," he says. "I know it sounds corny, but I just love to be able to use my education and experience to help — simply to help. When a reader contacts me, it is a gift."

If some of this sounds familiar — perhaps in your family, or with someone you know — go online and find the 1970s Harry Chapin song “Cat's in the Cradle.” Ask yourself, "Do these lyrics make you wonder if your time with family is slipping away?"

I know several lawyers whose inability or unwillingness to put family before all else cost them more than one divorce and messed up their kids. They felt cheated by life and law practice, especially in Big Law, where it is all about the law firm — birthdays, anniversaries and all the other events that occur over a year and bring family together are considered secondary.

The need to talk about money

Husserl says discussing money and attitudes toward money is critical to developing a healthy relationship to money in a marriage and family. “There are often signs early on if that person is honest where money is concerned. If they admit to maxing out credit cards and using one to pay the other, something’s wrong, and unless dealt with, if this continues into marriage, the foundation for a divorce has already been poured.”

The Power of Enough is a uniquely accessible road map to the enjoyment of money and what it can bring. Written by a seasoned financial adviser who has seen the results of how mismanaged money can lead to mismanaged lives, this is one highly valuable read.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield, Calif., and welcomes comments and questions from readers, which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993, or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1@gmail.com. And be sure to visit dennisbeaver.com.

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