What's the Key to a Happy Retirement for a Couple?

An older couple smile and talk as they face each other in their kitchen.

(Image credit: Getty Images)

published 25 December 2024

Many retired couples have spent decades together by the time they retire, often spending even more time in each other’s company. Over the years, certain roles tend to form naturally within the relationship — one partner may take on the role of the "fixer," addressing the other’s challenges or concerns. While these dynamics may evolve organically, they can sometimes lead to tension, especially if one partner feels overlooked or dismissed.

In retirement, communication becomes even more essential. With the distractions of work and raising children no longer present, minor frustrations can escalate into larger conflicts if left unresolved. Misunderstandings can strain relationships, leading to feelings of isolation, resentment or even negative impacts on physical and mental health. Research highlights the importance of strong emotional bonds for overall well-being, making open and thoughtful communication critical for maintaining harmony and connection in this phase of life.

Let’s turn to retired couple Margaret and Jack to explore how this challenge plays out in their relationship — and discover how they navigate it with empathy, understanding and patience.

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Margaret doesn’t feel seen or heard

Margaret stood at the kitchen sink, staring out the window at the empty bird feeder in the backyard. It was one of those minor frustrations that had been nagging at her for weeks. She sighed heavily, her hands gripping the edge of the counter.

Her husband, Jack, sat at the kitchen table, flipping through the morning news on his smartphone. Their marriage of over 40 years had weathered decades of highs and lows, but little moments like this had started to feel heavier in recent years.

Margaret glanced over her shoulder. “Jack, I swear, that bird feeder is driving me crazy. I keep filling it up, but it's empty again by the end of the day. I don’t know if it’s squirrels or what, but it feels like I can’t keep up.”

Jack didn’t look up from his smartphone. “Well, you know what you need to do?” he said, his tone practical and unemotional. “Just get one of those squirrel-proof feeders. I can run to the hardware store this afternoon. Or we could try putting some netting around the pole—bet that would stop them.”

Margaret sighed again, this time louder. Her frustration bubbling up, she turned to face him. “Jack, I don’t need you to fix it. I’m just tired of the squirrels messing with my feeder!”

Jack looked up, startled. “I know you’re upset about the bird feeder. You’ve been murmuring about it for weeks. I figured that I’d just put you out of my misery.”

That’s the thing,” Margaret said, crossing her arms. “I’m not looking for a knight in shining armor. I can usually figure it out myself, but occasionally, it would be helpful if you would just listen to me and be present. For as long as I can remember, whenever I share something with you that’s frustrating me, you jump in with a solution like it’s a problem to be solved.” Then, in an almost pleading voice, she asked, “Is there any chance you could listen instead of solve?”

Jack misread the situation

Jack leaned back in his chair, the newsfeed forgotten. “I didn’t realize ...” he said slowly. “I thought I was being helpful.”

Margaret softened. “I know you’re trying to help. But when you go straight to fixing things, it feels like you don’t hear me, like I’m not there. It’s as if my feelings don’t matter to you as much as finding a solution. And sometimes, it’s fun to work out the solution with you instead of being told what to do. That’s all.”

Jack sat quietly for a moment, processing what Margaret had said. His instinct, honed over decades of marriage and responsibility, had always been to fix things. Whether it was a leaky faucet, a financial concern, or an emotional challenge, his first response was to jump into action.

But Margaret’s words struck a chord. He realized that his constant need to solve her problems wasn’t always what she needed — or wanted.

“I guess I never thought about it that way,” Jack admitted. “I’ve always felt like my job is to fix things, to make your life easier.”

Margaret smiled faintly. “And I appreciate that. But sometimes, I just need to feel heard. When you skip over my feelings and go straight to solutions, it makes me feel like I’m not important. Like I’m just another problem to solve.”

Jack nodded slowly. “I don’t want you to feel that way. I want you to feel ... supported.”

Margaret smiled, acknowledging her husband’s intent.

A solution

Then Jack had an epiphany: “What if next time I simply ask, ‘Am I listening or am I solving?’ Then, you can let me know my role in the conversation. Does that work?”

“Well, you just solved it again, but yeah, that works.” Margaret chuckled.

This moment was a turning point for Jack and Margaret. Over the years, Jack had developed a habit of equating support with action, while Margaret had grown increasingly frustrated by his inability to communicate and let her process the challenge.

For Jack, it was a blind spot. He hadn’t realized that his well-meaning efforts to help were shutting Margaret out emotionally. For Margaret, it was a lesson in setting boundaries and clearly expressing her needs.

The very next day, Margaret was frustrated that the neighbor’s dog kept digging up her flower beds.

Jack caught himself. Instead of offering a solution, he asked, “Am I listening, or am I solving?”

Margaret smiled, a little surprised. “You’re listening.”

“OK,” Jack said. “What is your plan?”

Margaret, caught off guard by this question, quickly gathered herself, paused for a few moments, and told him she wanted to build a fence around the garden.

Picking up on the vibes, Jack asked, “What do you want me to do?”

Without another word, Margaret walked over and just hugged her husband. As she stepped back, she quietly said, “Thank you. This is one of the best gifts you could give me.”

Time to enjoy life together

Jack and Margaret’s story reminds us that good communication takes effort, even after 40 years of marriage. By breaking old patterns and learning to truly listen, they strengthened their bond and rediscovered the partnership they’d built over a lifetime.

Retirement is a time to enjoy life together and an opportunity to grow as a couple. Listening can transform your relationship. Sometimes, the best solution isn’t solving the problem at all. It’s simply being present.

For more information on effective communication during retirement, join my podcast “How Not to Retire: A Psychological Approach to a Healthy and Wealthy Retirement” at HowNotToRetire.com.

Disclaimer

This article was written by and presents the views of our contributing adviser, not the Kiplinger editorial staff. You can check adviser records with the SEC or with FINRA.

Dr. Richard Himmer is a seasoned professional with expertise in Emotional Intelligence (EI), Clinical Hypnotherapy and Workplace Bullying prevention. He holds an MBA, a master’s degree in psychology and a PhD in Industrial and Organizational Psychology. He combines academic knowledge with practical experience. His doctoral dissertation focused on the Impact of Emotional Intelligence on Workplace Bullying, showcasing his commitment to understanding and addressing complex workplace dynamics. Dr. Himmer leverages the subconscious (EI) to facilitate internal healing, fostering healthy interpersonal relationships built on trust and respect.